The Dilbert Rules

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I'm particularly fond of the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. My reality check bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
10. Today, I'm planning on being slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
13. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
16. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
17. You can go anywhere you want. Just look serious and carry a clipboard.
18. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
19. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
20. Following the rules will not get the job done.