Weird Science

Picture this: You are on the road and someone has a digital camera with them, takes some great pictures of you or a group and you want to have those pictures too. At the moment you are forced to download the picture and send it per eMail.

So why the hell has no-one devised a "Send this picture to digital camera in the vicinity" button?? One press and the picture flies across the room to your buddy's camera...

Do I have to think of everything?

(Copyright claims jointly owned by Mr. Olsson.)

Neverending Story

If there is one annoying thing being on the road for longer than a couple of weeks is the fact that you always get asked the same old questions over & over again. Usually they are (in order): Where you from?, how long you been travelling?, having fun?, how long are you travelling for?, been to Koh Pha Ngan? What kinda budget you on? and then finally, What's your name by the way (if it ever gets that far...).

So to assist in this social interaction I have devised Traveller Trumps!

Enjoy.

Underwater love

I am now a fully qualified PADI open water diver. Spent 10 mintutes at 30 meters below this morning which is quite deep, so deep that your brain starts to get slower. I wrote my name and address on the boat and took 22 seconds to do it. Down on the bottom of the ocean, although trying to piss the diving instructor off by doing it quicker, it took me 27 seconds. Quite amazing - you still *think* you are at full speed, but you just aren't. Also swam through a school of Barracuda and down through a natural coral "chimney" at Sail Rock. In the best words of an American teenie - it was awesome.

What the world is waiting for

We all love the beach, the whole white sand under the feet, encasing your body in a warm mould as you lie down thing etc. But we all hate that "I've got frigging sand EVERYWHERE" sensation when you get off the beach. That feeling that you are actually MADE of sand and that you are currently moulting. You know when you scratch your scalp and find sand, put your finger in your ear and find sand, sand in your bed etc.

OK, I'll stop the graphic detail, you probably got the picture already. So my answer...
(Drum roll)

Teflon Sand

That's right, non-stick sand. My patent application is in the works.

Ladies and Gentleman we are floating in space

I spent 90 minutes under the sea today.

a) Have I turned into a fish?
b) Was I riding in a yellow submarine?
c) Was I trapped in the belly of a whale?

No of course not, I was Scuba diving and I have only 1 word for it:
F**king Brilliant.

Highlights:
A pilot fish swimming under my legs, thinking I was a whale shark
Realising that giant clams really do exist and look exactly like in the cartoons when they catch unsuspecting peoples' legs.
Brain coral that, well, eh, looks exactly like a brain (only 20 times bigger).
Parrotfish, so colourful that you nearly need shades
Clown fish getting all territoral and defending their Anenomenonme.

More tomorrow.

Wow, more energy (must have been the pre-2am night, last night), here some photos of the wonderful Cambodia. Notice quantity difference to Vietnam...

Manners

One thing that, like languages, changes from country to country is the concept of good manners. In civilized Europe farting, belching, yawning out loud, spitting and slurping your food & drinks are considered "bad" manners. In China (and northern Laos) spitting is an art form, the Vietnamese down their noodle soup with the gusto of a giant inhaling cobra with serious spittle problems, the Laotions love a good loud yawn (all they ever do is eat and sleep anyway) and the Thais & Cambodians can fart & belch like centurions. But then again, as everyone does it, it is hardly bad manners. Bringing us with a mind-blowing swiftness to the crux of the matter - who defined good manners?

Naturally the original idea of manners is to fine tune social interaction and basically things like farts don't really smell that nice (especially not mine lately) but I can really see no reason for things like yawning loudly or slurping your milky tea to be considered "bad". It doesn't hurt or endanger anyone and by God don't we all really love a good, honest, loud yawn out loud?

Oh shag it, just read what Jonathan Swift said about it all...

Had an early night last night... 5.30am.

Surreal, Koh Pha Ngan

I could look up webster's online dictionary, but I think I experienced the definition of surreal last night - sitting watching the sun come up with my cousin vinney (the person, not the... sorry, done that one), talking to some girls from Peru (surreal in itself) watching fire jugglers doing some very amazing stuff, all with a sea eagle perched on my head...

In a fit of productivity I have put some photos of Vietnam up. Must rest now.

Koh Pha Ngan

On the party island of the world with my cousin Vinney (the person not the film).
The island has a communal Chang-Over (Chang is the national beer of Thailand, if you drink too much you get one of these the next day) until about 3pm when the first Changs are sighted on the beach again. Except for the the 3 guys in our Bungalows (1 from Northern Ireland, 1 Welshman and 1 Englishman - we have an ad out looking for a handy scotsman to make things round) that don't ever finish drinking, so there is no way a Chang-over can catch up with them. Cunning.

Missing the train

Depart Sihanoukville @ 6am after getting no sleep (Sihanoukville bars have no closing time. This is dangerous for Celts). 4 ferries, 2 minibuses and a large coach ride later I am hurtling though Bangkok in a Taxi towards the train station. We get there at 22:51, the train I wanted departed @ 22:50. Not bad after a 1000 kilometer journey though 2 countries with 2 breakdowns along the way...

This is the great thing about a Blog - every bad story for me can be turned into a great Blog story.

Back to civilization

I was meant to go back to Thailand today, but sort of missed my bus...

Maybe I am just using delaying tactics, but is kind of a big step going back to good old "westernised" Thailand -
back to cities with modern hospitals (or hospitals at all for that matter), back to McDonalds, Burger King and KFC (although there was a KFC in Cambodia (Khmer fried Chicken) but it was closed down), back to food and drinks you recognize, back to semi-punctual public transport (that doesn't involve sitting in the back of a pick-up truck with 14 other people, a motorbike and a dozen chickens), back to paved roads, back to a country with coins (neither Laos, Vietnam nor Cambodia has coinage), back to a country where the highest denomination is $25 ($7 is the highest in Vietnam, $2.50 in Cambodia and a whacking $2 in Laos, although it was only 50cents up until last year...), back to a country with an Irish Embassy, back to semi-reality.

Can't stay here any longer though, there are 3 main beach huts and they play the same CDs everyday and the people don't have much new to tell. Feel a bit like I am on the magic roundabout, there is even a bald Iranian guy who like Zeebedee, bounces around dancing from dawn till dusk. Must be the sun.

Ready for kids?

Problem: Ladies, you have a man, he is house-trained, dosen't fart when you have guests over, he can feed himself and hell, you quite like him! But there is one niggly little question still - will he be a good father?

Solution: No problems, don't hesitate just book yourselves a ticket to Cambodia and bring him to Sihanoukville. With dozens of cute (sometimes homeless) kids selling stuff on the beach you will soon see if he is ready.

I have seen full transformations here from "Get the bloody kids away from me" to full scale daddies - playing football, reading them stories, playing cardtricks, throwing them in the air etc. Quite incredible. In fact it is mainly the guys here who are the supersurrogatedads, the girls just lie on their backs and try to improve their tans.

Also quite useful for girls still looking for Mr. right, just trawl the beach and look for that hunk who has ten screaming and laughing kids all around him. Then put beer in front of his nose and see if he follows you home...

Now seriously...

Cambodia is poor. Very poor. There are more beggars here and people living on the streets than you will see in the whole of Laos and Vietnam put together. Cambodia also has one of the highest saturation of landmines in the world. The Khmer Rouge laid a couple of million at the start of the 70s and when the Vietnamese came in to overthrow the KR, they also laid hundreds of kilometers for good measure. In some places they are literally all over the place, walk 1 meter from the path and you are seriously risking your life. All the Cambodians can do to protect themselves is put signs up. Defusing them is not an option as there is neither enough cash nor enough people to do it. As a byproduct of this you will see a shocking amount of people here with one or more limbs missing. Naturally in most countries you would get some prosthetics or at least a wheelchair, here you are lucky to even get a home made skateboard and a pair of flip flops to drag yourself around on your belly...

Mines are extremely vicious weapons and are mainly built for one purpose - killing and maiming human beings. They recognize no ceasefire and remain active for many many years.
So if you have some spare cash or time, you might want to check out:
International Campaign to Ban Landmines
Adopt-A-Minefield

Hey, Princess Di might even bless you from above...

Latin of the day:
"Universalis Destructionis Armamenta"

Sihanoukville

I think I have been here a week. Not exactly sure. Sihanoukville does that to you.

Story of the day:
It's 23:50 and we are sitting around in a beach bar. Then a German lady from across the bar shouts - "It's this guy's birthday tomorrow". So we all duly sing "Happy Birthday". When it comes to the "Dear xxx" part we have to ask his name.
"Fokker" he shouts out. Cue canned laughter and 3 english guys nearly falling off their barstools.

Coincidence update:
That Dutch guy I met in 4 seperate locations in Thailand and Laos (see post from December 13) is also in Sihanoukville. Now, in Hanoi I met an Israeli guy in a Taxi who had mentioned this skateboarding Dutch guy he had met in Laos, I told the Israeli that I also knew him. I told this story to the Dutchman yesterday and he laughed and said "Small world" etc. Crazier still is that very same Israeli guy walks into the bar exactly one hour later...

Weather:
33 degrees. Sunny.

Price of beer:
80 cents - 1 dollar

Daily Schedule:
Wake, Eat, Beach, Eat, Sunset, Beer, Eat, Beer. Repeat as necessary.

Phnom Penh (revisited)

7 hour bus ride from Battenbang to Phnom Penh and we arrive at 4pm, go lakeside to get a room and head down to the central market to buy some raw silk (I think Mike is getting some kinky underwear made up in Sweden). Four and a half minutes later and we are finished. I have done the sights so I ask what Mike wants to do - "Let's shoot some guns" he says, with an evil grin on his face. So we hop on a moped together, prooving that the chinese know how to build things that can take the strain of 180 kilos of westerner and 50 kilos of Cambodian driver. He takes us out past the airport and on to a military base, the sentries just waving us through. You arrive at a shooting range where on the side of a large (used) bomb, a cheerful "Welcome" is written, very inviting. You are then presented with a weapons "menu". I chose a side of AK-47 and Mike chose a large helping of Makarov handgun.

You get to fire an entire clip of 30 rounds with the AK and all I can say is wow. I am always going to be a pacifist, but get one of those things in your hand and you really do get the Rambo gene screaming inside you. The target was about 30 meters away and after I finished they gave me the paper target. Fuck, I was good - 30 bullets, 27 hits and 22 in the small target area. Dad, you would have been proud. Photo to follow. Mike did the James Bond thing and gave the helpless target a good hiding. He liked it so much he did it twice.

You can also throw grenades there, fire shotguns, shoot Uzis and even a bloody rocket launcher! 10 dollars extra and you get to shoot a chicken. We politely declined.

Back to town for a lakeside sunset beer or 3, dinner at Friends and another night of debauched drinking and night-owlery in one of the world's coolest capitals.

Battambang

Took the boat down from Siem Riep to Battambang. First of all you cross the western end of Tonle Sap (the largest freshwater lake in SEA) and then head up another Apocalypse now kind of river. The boat itself was a sizeable hydrofoil, looking out of place among all the tiny fishing boats. This being lawless Cambodia, you are allowed to sit on the roof as the boat gets up to its top speed. This would definitely be forbidden in all other countries as the things belt around the place and one false move and you would definitely be fish food. Yes, naturally I was up on top. The river to Battambang is amazing - tiny floating fishing villages and people who are genuinely surprised to see westerners. After a while your arm starts to hurt, because EVERY child under 10 will wave and scream "Hello" at you. It really is another world watching groups of little kids, some as young as 4 or 5 just splashing around with their buddies in the water. Poor is not the word, but damn do they look happy. I am sure it would be every western mother's nightmare to see her toddler in a river, but these kids are genuinely left to their own devices, not a parent in sight. And you know what? I have heard a sum total of 2 kids crying in Asia. I really get the feeling that when kids are made as independent as possible at a young age that they will learn to help themselves rather than put their hands in the air, start bawling and cry "Mama".

Battambang wasn't that exciting and I spent the evening with Mike the Vike on the roof of the Hotel downing many an Angkor beer (See upcoming World beer review for details) and discussing the meaning of life.

Siem Riep (Angkor)

Back again, don't worry... Did you miss me? No, I thought not. So sit up straight and listen there will be a test later.

Siem Riep is 7km away from the Temples of Angkor and is pretty touristy as Cambodia goes - lots of Ex-Pat bars and restaurants and more working girls than you could shake a stick (or anything else for that matter) at.

The temples themselves are of course breathtaking, especially Angkor Wat the main temple, but with about 50 other temples it is a place you can explore forever. I belted around the place on a decrepit old chinese bike, I was racing the tuk-tuk and bus drivers and managed to win most times. The Cambodians on mopeds were in stiches laughing at me overtaking buses at 40kmh. One came up to me and said "You very strong man". Damn right. Legs were in bits the next day though...

I was joined in Siem Riep with a large Viking from northern Sweden - Mr. Mikael Olsson. He had just come from Australia, via Bangkok and I was hoping he would be too tired to drink... No such luck, 6 hours and a couple of gallons of beers later I begged him to let me go to bed...

The next day we toured Angkor, I being the excellent tour guide having been there the day before. The beauty of Angkor is only slightly spoiled by the hundreds of cold drink / postcard / flute / banana / pineapple / scarf / thingymijig sellers. They scream at you when you leave a temple "Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiir, you wanna buy cold drink siiiiiiiiiiir?". Their internal codex means that the first person to scream at you gets your custom, so the nice ladies have near superhuman vision - only part of your right foot has to be visible from about 300 meters of their vantage point and they will start screaming at you. You can try and put them off, but their answers are razor sharp - "You want water", "No, I have some thank you", "Your water not cold", "I like warm water, it's good for the stomach", "No, you lying, you want nice cold water, verrrrrrrrrry cheap, only 2000 Riel", "I'm a poor student, I can't afford it", "You no student, you too old". "Oh fuck it, give me a water", "See I knew you want cold water"...

Phnom Penh

Happy f**king new year!

Hotter than Satan's armpit here. 31 degrees and it's 7pm. Had a great new year - went to a restaurant called "Friends" for dinner where street children are trained to become waiters and cooks and are basically taken off the street and given a job. They were excellent (put your water down and 1.4 seconds later it was refilled) and the food marvellous (water-lilly salad with chilli-beef). After that on to the Heart of Darkness, Cambodia's most [in]famous nightclub. There used to be quite a few shootings there in the 90s. Somehow got home just about sunrise riding on the back of a moped doing 60kmh through the empty streets of Phnom Penh.
My 2 day hangover from New Year has started to subside and was able to get out of bed today and see some stuff.
The happy tour I took involved S21 - The ex-school where the Khmer Rouge tortured and killed anyone they wanted and The Killing Fields - Where the bodies of the detained were thrown into mass graves. With Nazi like precision, the Khmer Rouge catalogued everybody they detained, the tortures they were subjected to and the date of their execution. Gruesome is not the word. Particularly shocking is a picture of a prison guard bashing a 6 month old baby against a tree. Another prime example of Man's inhumanity to man if you needed anymore proof.

Phnom penh is otherwise a bit wild westish, dirt streets, guards with AK47s slung across their shoulders etc., but set in the middle of gorgeous french colonial villas.

Off to the 8th wonder of the world tomorrow - Angkor