Australia summary

Time spent: 50 days
Countries visited: 1
Distance travelled: no idea 8,000 km (ish)

Plane journeys: 2 (5 hours)
Boat journeys: 2 (48 hours)
Bus journeys: 7 (50 hours)

Beds slept in: 23 (in 13 different cities / towns / villages / boats / tents)

Sydney

I left Melbourne in an alcohol haze that would have left even Led Zeppelin dazed and confused. I also left minus my mobile phone and with a sizeable cut to my bottom lip...
I now know that I left my phone in a taxi somewhere but my lip damage remains a mystery. I have to tell people that I fell in the shower, but that's the oldest and worst excuse in the book. Only marginally better than "I have absolutely no idea...".

Melbourne was great, didn't see that much, but after scooting around 15,000km it was nice just to sit on my arse for a couple of days and chill out. Thanks to my great host Amy, who showed me the sights and sounds of Melbourne - including the Neighbour's cul-de-sac and the school Kylie used to attend (ok, it was beside a bottle shop, so we were driving by anyway). It's also her fault that I got so hammered on Saturday night :)

Last couple of days in Oz, before I head off down the yellow brick road to Auckland.

Melbourne

You can leave your birthday commiserations below. And donate to my hangover relief fund.

Quote of the day

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

-- Oscar Wilde

C fucking airns

Today was the first day without rain here in Cairns. It's rather an unusual feeling to have dry feet again.

The rafting was good, if somewhat unspectacular. I ended up on a bus with 52 Americans out on an organised spring break. I was put in a raft with 7 girls, which initially sounded exciting, but after 4 hours on the water with them, screaming at the top of their lungs, shouting "Awesome" every 10 seconds and continually high fiving each other (I thought high fives were now officially passe?) I swear I was about to insert my paddle somewhere painful. I restrained myself and took to the beer as soon as we got out of the water.

Finally getting my sorry ass out of here tomorrow afternoon. The rain has probably moved on from Cairns down to Melbourne to greet me.

Cairns (like Hotel California, you can check out but you can never leave)

The great barrier reef was good. Not great, but good. The boat was excellent, the crew were top notch, the food delicious etc. But the force 7 winds that knocked the boat around like a rubber duck in a bath marred the whole experience. At least the fish were well fed with about three quarters of the people vomiting at least once. I didn't toss my cookies and took great glee in dancing about as other people drove the porcelain bus. At one stage the waves got so high that a wave struck us and I sommersaulted over the sofa in the living quarters and landed on a poor unexpecting swedish girl who was sick as a dog. I introduced myself and slowly climbed down off her.

Due to the weather, the visibility underwater was not the best either. I managed to see a couple of white tip reef sharks, which although they are relatively small, was quite an experience. Also on the highlight list was a moray eel poking out of his hole and blindly attacking everthing in striking distance, and two night dives which really scare the fuck out of you at first - descending into the black depths with only the sound of your breathing to keep you company. My torch ran out after about 2 minutes which made the whole experience even more eerie. Luckily my diving buddys lasted the 30 minute dive.

After the 3 days diving I was scheduled to get on another boat to go out to the coral sea and do some shark feeding, but as we plied the heavy seas back I was not looking forward to another 4 days at sea. I was contemplating just saying fuck it and not getting on the other boat and saying bye bye to 500 bucks. Luckily as we docked a representative of the other company told me the trip had been cancelled due to the winds. I actually hugged the rather bemused man.

Back on dry land, sorry back on rain sodden land I now have to wait for my flight to Melbourne on the 20th. Decided to use the rain and go river rafting on the Tully river tomorrow. Hopefully the guides speak better english than in Thailand...

Remember kids: More fast more fun (as our guide said in Pai)

Cairns (revisited)

Did I tell you that it is still raining here? No getting homesick here.

The Atherton Tablelands were beautiful, lots of rainforests and even the waterfall where the original Timotei commercial was filmed. Also managed to steal a glimpse of a Platypus. The experience was much like that of spotting the Loch Ness monster - something semi-appears out of the water for a couple of seconds and disappears back under again. Was it a log, was it a turtle, was it a water snake, was it a fish, no it was a Platypus!

Finally off this afternoon to dive the Great Barrier Reef on the Taka for 1 week! Will be doing some shark feeding too. Hopefully not with my appendages though.

The sun just appeared. Must run and get my dose of Vitamin B for the week.

Cairns

It is raining in Cairns. In buckets. Cats and dingos. But at least I can carry on my research into the Homo Australianus, a strange species indeed.
The first thing you notice is the general apperance of the Homo Australianus (HA) is like that of the Homo Europeanus, but from about 30 years ago. The male hairstyle of choice is the Mullet whereas the female prefers an Olivia Newton John (Grease era). Clothes are optional with most men going bare chested or maybe opting for a singlet. The female can always be spotted by looking out for as many clashing colours as possible. Footware is also optional, but you may see an occasional flip flop (thong) and those in the civil service will be seen wearing boots and knee high socks. Their natural habitat varies, but they are most often spotted on the beach, in the pub, lying outside the pub or driving at breakneck speeds in their lowered, dark windowed, spoilered vehicles (utes). The call of the HA is also quite special, initially similar to that of the Homo Anglosaxus, the serious HA spotter will notice that the HA has an amazing proficiency at abbreviating words. A "pokie" is a slot machine, a "tinnie" is a small metal fishing vessel, a "stubbie" is a bottle of beer. Signs on toilets will say "No sharps", which is an ingenious way of say no sharp objects. The HA also has an amazing habit of addressing anybody they meet as "mate". The first time a female HA shop assistant said this to me I was quite enthralled. "Howsitgoin, Mate?" she asked. I took this as an offer to copulate, but later learned that this was their standard greeting call. My studies continue.

Off to the Atherton Tablelands tomorrow.

Magnetic Island

I was instantly attracted to this place. Only 8km off the coast of Townsville, the tourist brochure paints it as a nature lover's paradise, with hundreds of species of birds and more koalas per square km than anywhere else on the planet. The other big draw here is to dive the wreck of the SS Yongala sunk by a cyclone in 1911. Rated as one of the best dives in the world.

3 days on Magnetic island and I saw sulphur crested cockatoos, black cockatoos (a breeding pair of which cost about 60 thousand US dollars in the states), a rock Wallaby (too cute), Rainbow lorikeets, Curlews (which are the sparrows of Magnetic Island, drop some food on the ground and you will have a gawky Curlew nipping at your toes), a plethora of Possums but not one friggin Koala.

I have since taken a huge dislike to the creatures. They are living proof that Darwin got it wrong. Koalas sleep 20 hours a day, because they only eat Eucalyptus and Eucalyptus has practically no nutrional values whatsoever. Therefore they sleep for 20 hours, eat for 3.5 hours and fart for the rest of the day. If Darwin had got it right, Koalas would have realised the error of their ways, descended from the trees, developed opposable toes and learned how to order at McDonalds.

On the diving front it was similar, the first day it was too windy to dive, so I stayed a second day, still too windy, so I gave up on the third day and pissed off to Cairns.

Townsville

The winner of the "World's worst town name competition", Townsville is about as exciting as watching a bath fill one drop at a time. The city's slogan is "Northern Queensland's largest town", which sums up the town beautifully.

Beauty and the beast

Off the booze tonight and as you may have guessed I've a bit too much time on my hands before beddie byes. Well that and the fact that my expensive education has enabled me to hack these computers so that I don't have to pay for the internet.

In Malacca (Malaysia) there is a Museum of Beauty and being a cheapo backpacker I didn't go in, but the general idea behind it - that what is considered beautiful not only changes over time, but from country to country, grabbed me. Some prime examples include:

Long necks (Africa and Burma)
Long earlobes (Borneo, Tamil)
Flat forehead (Mayan cultures)
Elongated heads (Congo)
Big lips (Chad)
Small feet (China)
Pale (Europe until 1960, Asia now)
Very Tanned (Europe 1960-1990)
Tannedish (Europe now)
Fat (Europe ca. 1600)
Dead Thin (Europe ca. 1965)
Thinnish (Europe now)

Unfortunately most of these characteristics seem only to apply to women, and a man as usual, just has to be a man :)

Dangerzone

Australia is dangerous. Very dangerous. I can't think of a country with more natural hazards. Swim in the ocean and you are going to get stung by a jellyfish, eaten by a shark, taken out to sea by a rip tide or bitten by a sea snake.
Wander around the outback and you are bound to meet one of the world's most poisonous snakes or spiders, or you might get gobbled up by a Crocodile, kicked by a great red kangaroo or failing that, pecked to death by a territoral Cassowary. And if worst comes to worst, sunstroke or dehydration is bound to get you.
Mind you, there aren't as many tropical diseases, earthquakes & volcanoes and carniverous animals as in Asia.

I now think the UN should issue a "Natural Danger Index" for all countries.
And until now I really can't think of a country with a lower NDI than Ireland.

The most dangerous disease is a cold, the weather might throw a hurricane or two at you, but no tornados or anything exciting. Dun Laoghaire might get some big waves, but it's not going to get wiped out by a tsunami. And on the animal front it is positively tame. At best you are going to get your ankles gnawed by a badger or maybe trip over your cat.

How about a new Bord Failte (Irish Tourism Board) campaign -
"Come to Ireland - It's really safe!" or
"Afraid of snakes - Ireland's the place for you!" or
"Don't like the cold? Sick of the heat? - Come to Ireland!"

Speaking of which I would love to see the Lonely Planet Ireland edition. My favourite book always starts with a lovely "Natural Hazards" and a "Diseases" section (Jeez, I really do love that book), which basically gives everybody the willies before they start reading about the country. The CIA says of Ireland natural Hazards - N/A.

Maybe they forgot our pubs...?

Canada the brave

After 5 or so months on the road, there are certain patterns I can discern in the nationality of visitors to a country. Cambodia and Vietnam receive lots of Francophiles hoping (largely in vain) to meet some natives that speak their language. Thailand gets lots of German & English [sex-]tourists and Australia is positively chokkers with Pommeys. But one group of people which I have consistently met all over the place are the Canadians. Pratically unknown in Europe, I have been impressed with their general knowlege, sense of humour and "not-being-like-americans". Speaking of which I think I have met less than 20 Americans on my travels, whereas I have met at least 100 Canadians. Strange, considering that America is generally wealthier and has 290 million inhabitants whereas Canada has a measly 32 million inhabitants. There is a theory out there that most American travellers are claiming they are Canadian. I can actually back this up - I met a group of people on Koh Phan Gan, asked them where they were from and they all replied "Caaanada". 7 beers and a whiskey or two later, one of the "Canadians" pipes up "Yeah maaan, you know back home in Chicag... I mean Toronto". Hand, Red, Anyone?
You will also see an insane amount of Maple leaf flags adorning backpacks of all shapes and sizes. This is because the Canadians don't want to be mistaken for Americans and the Americans want to be taken for Canadians.
Cunning.

Airlie Beach

I think my body has officially been declared a national park for the lesser spotted bed bug. Woke up this morning and I thought I had the measles due to the inordinate amount of red spots all over my body.

Well anyway, enough about me... The Whitsundays were spectacular, our boat was as wide as a tennis court and as fast as Boris Becker's serve - we flew by the other boats, waving our glasses of wine and beer cans as we passed.

Spent the second day on Whitehaven beach, which according to BBC viewers, is the best beach in the world. I'm sure it is, but I spent my time on it hiding from the rainstorms and shivering in my "Stinger suit" (wetsuit like garment to protect from jellyfish, it is probably THE most unsexy piece of clothing on the planet - you look like you are wearing a giant sock). Did quite a bit of snorkelling and one scuba dive as well, found Nemo in the process and a giant clam the size of a sofa. One evening we moored in a bay and the skipper took out some fish he had caught earlier. He whistled and about 20 seconds later a giant sea eagle appeared from the cliff face. The skipper proceeded to throw the fish in to the ocean and within a split second the sea eagle had tucked in its wings and was diving into the water faster than a free falling parachutist. It plucked the fish out of the water at amazing speed and flew back to its nest. Picture this with a sunset over the pacific in the background and a glass of Australian Chardonnay in the hand and you will get an inkling of what the evening was like.

The rest of the time was spent lolling in the trampolines of the Trimaran, sipping wine and getting fed at regular intervals. I am exhausted.

Off to Townsville tomorrow.