When evolution screws up

 

Fainting Goats

You are what you smoke

I have noticed one thing lately that I need an answer to:

Are John Player Blue smokers more likely to be scangers?

Let me explain. On my 7 minute trek to Tescos to stock up on provisions I encounter at least 4 empty packets of John Player Blue littered around the place. In fact it is normally the ONLY variety of cigarette carton lying around.

I have come up with possibilites:

• John Player Blue is by far the most smoked cigarette.
• John Player Blue is, unlike other brands, made out of industrial strength cardboard.
• John Player Blue is smoked mainly by scuzzbuckets. Scuzzbuckets think throwing litter is cool.

After huge research and much objective debate, I have come to the conclusion that it is indeed the latter.

 

Don't litter! It's like a dumb dwarf. It's not big and not clever.

Air Rage

I fly quite a bit (8 flights in the last 3 weeks in fact) and one thing I cannot help noticing is the pointlessness of most of the information given to you.

Some examples:

"Are you carrying any prohibited items?": Of course I am. Silly me. I'll just leave the rocket launcher here..

"To buckle and unbuckle your seatbelt, please insert...": Listen, how many people on this plane have NEVER FLOWN BEFORE?? That should be the question, because if you have ever sat on a plane in your life, you will know how to buckle and unbuckle your seat belt. Even if you are an aerospace virgin it is quiet a logical operation, but if logic fails you, you could always copy your neighbour.

"In the unlikely event that we land on water": Yes, it will be so unlikely that God himself will probably appear to congratulate the pilot. According to the Economist not a single wide-bodied plane has ever landed successfully on water. Funnier still is when they tell you about the life jackets under the seat when you are not even flying over any significant body of water. Unless the pilot really thinks he has a chance of landing on the Rhine.

"Please turn off your mobile phones": If they are so bloody dangerous then why are they even allowed on the plane? How many people per flight forget to turn them off and we still all land sanely??

"Put your seats in the upright position": WHY??? Do you really think if we crash at 500mph that the fact that my seat is in the upright position will save me or the passenger behind me?

 

Grrrr. Just shut up and get the plane up and down as quickly as possible.